1. Spit it into her voicemail, a little slurred and sounding like the shot whiskey you downed for courage. Feel as ashamed as you do walking into work in last night’s clothes. Wake up cringing for days, waiting for her to mention it.
2. Sigh it into her mouth, wedged in between teeth and tongues. Don’t even let your lips move when you say it, ever so lightly, into the air. Maybe it was just an exhalation of ecstasy.
3. Buy her flowers. Buy her chocolate. Buy her a teddy bear, because that’s what every romantic comedy has taught you. Take her out to a nice restaurant where neither of you feel comfortable and spend the whole night clearing your throat and tugging at your tie. Feel like your actions are more suited to a proposal than the simple confession of something you’ve always known.
4. Whisper it into her hair in the middle of the night, after you’ve counted the space between her breaths and are certain she’s asleep. Shut your eyes quickly when she shifts toward you in askance. Maybe you were just sleep whispering.
5. Blurt it out in the middle of an impromptu dance party in the kitchen, as clumsy as your two left feet. When time seems to freeze, hastily tack on “in that shirt” or “when you make your award-winning meatballs” or, if you are feeling particularly brave, “when we do this.” Resume dancing and pretend you don’t feel her eyes on you the rest of the night.
6. Write her a letter in which the amount of circumnavigating and angst could rival Mr. Darcy’s. Debate where to leave it all day – on her pillow? In her coat pocket? Throw it away in frustration, conveniently leaving it face up in the trashcan, her name scrawled on the front in your sloppy handwriting. Let her wonder if you meant it.
7. Wait until something terrible has happened and you can’t not tell her anymore. Wait until she almost gets hit by a car crossing Wabash against the light and after you are done cursing at the shit-for-brains cab drivers in this city, realize you are actually just terrified of living without her. Tell her with your hands shaking.
8. Say it deliberately, your tongue a springboard for every syllable. Over coffee, brushing your teeth side-by-side, as you turn off the light to go to sleep – it doesn’t matter where. Do not adorn it with extra words like “I think” or “I might.” Do not sigh heavily as if admitting it were a burden instead of the most joyous thing you’ve ever done. Look her in the eyes and pray, heart thumping wildly, that she will turn to you and say, “I love you too."
"i never noticed the stars before. i always thought of them as great big diamonds that belonged to someone. now they frighten me.
they make me feel that it was all a dream, all my youth."
they make me feel that it was all a dream, all my youth."
"it was a dream," said john quietly. "everybody's youth is a dream, a form of chemical madness."
"how pleasant then to be insane!"
and my heart hurts
remember that day that i kissed you at the bar and you were so surprised and then we spent the night together but we just slept next to each other and that was all we needed? the first time we made love…do you remember that? how you fit so perfectly inside me and how we came together. the way you pressed your hand against my chest as you pulled out and the way you kissed my lips and my forehead to distract me from the emptiness. the first time you told me you loved me i was boarding a flight and i cried because i thought you were angry and i knew i had loved you from the first moment i touched you. and every time after that when you breathed how much you loved me into my ear and my lips and my hair. how i wanted to feel your heart beat. move with its rhythm. the times when you were vulnerable and you told me the things you were afraid of and i told you not to worry because you were my everything. and then there were all those times in the shower together with the water on us and the weight of your body behind me and the touch of your calloused hands on my shoulder blades and your kisses on the top of my head. and all those nights when i was drunk with happiness and champagne and high on speed and nothing else mattered except that you were there and we only had eyes for each other. each other. and our secrets. so many secrets. and giggles. no one laughed as much as we did. and the letter i wrote you that made us both cry. what about our trip to the emerald city? where you surprised me with that ring and we drank bubbly in the tub and you washed my hair and we ate raspberries and you took photos of me naked and we rolled around on that massive bed and made love and slept and kissed and everything was pure magic. but then we came home and my world came crashing down. but you were there and you caught me and i couldn't tell you what had happened but you knew and we both just wept because everything was turned upside down. you stayed and you were my support, my family, and when i left for months at a time and we were apart you listened to me. you rushed over when the people in my life let me down and you never had a problem fighting for me and sticking up for me and i needed that because i was hurting and i didn't know how to handle it. and that time downtown when i dragged you away and you yelled at me and then i burst into tears and you did too. you took me in your arms and you said you were sorry and i knew it was for more than just the yelling but for all the pain i was in and i knew you felt helpless but you stayed and i will always love you for that. and you told me how your friend told you to knock me up because you shouldn't let this one get away because you loved me so much and you wouldn't shut up about it. oh yes the many times we talked about having all those little babies. your french babies. our life together and i would smile at the thought of you being a dad because you would be great at it. and my golden birthday. the way that i almost burst into tears when i walked through that door because it was so much more than i ever expected and even though i was so exhausted that i made you go home at midnight you were okay with that and we left and it was the most perfect birthday I've ever had. and when we went down to the city of angels and we took it by storm and we had our ups and downs but i came downstairs and dragged you off the couch and told you to hold me because those things were silly and we were made of more than that. and then when we stayed in the loft and admits all that white i broke down and you did too but it was okay because we had each other and even if things were hard i knew i had you and everyday you'd say hi baby to me and make my heart melt.